Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
