what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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