Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize