Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
