Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
