and i looked up. we had an audience...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
