There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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