if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
