you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Success! We fucked roommates!
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