this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
