Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
