I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize