I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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