I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
