I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
