just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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