i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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