How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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