Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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