If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
