Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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