my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
