Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
