Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
