we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
