Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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