I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
