I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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