Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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