I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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