Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
