I checked into jail on foursquare
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
