Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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