my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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