I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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