Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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