i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
