i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize