My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's official drugs can't kill me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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