bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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