my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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