I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
