fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
