OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
