Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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