Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
