Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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