she looked like the before picture.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
