nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
