My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
