Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
