All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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