you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
