yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
