Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
