Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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