im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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