I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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