Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
