Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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