____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
