so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
