Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize