Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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