I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
