Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
