I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
