when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
